How to Release the Past and Make Space for What Matters

By Erica Fraser

When I discovered minimalism in 2015, I thought I found the path to freedom. I thought if everything important to me could fit in one suitcase, life would get easier and the heaviness that sometimes seeped into my limbs would disappear. I was preparing to relocate for grad school and wanted a fresh start, so I decided to get rid of most of my belongings. To downsize, I followed Marie Kondo’s advice and asked myself if the items I had stored in my childhood home “brought me joy”. Once I was finished sorting through my possessions, everything that meant something to me could fit in two suitcases. Everything else in my room was there because it had always been there.

With fewer items, and a lot of hope, I left for DC. Once I got to my new apartment, I felt a deep sense of peace and slept through the night for the first time in months. But, once the excitement of a new city faded and my schoolwork wasn’t enough to distract me, I felt heavy and this time I couldn’t blame it on a cluttered environment. I found myself plagued with the same feelings I had in NY: shame, guilt, regret, and heartbreak.

Everything I was running from lived inside of me. The baggage I was carrying was invisible, but it was incredibly heavy. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to do something different.

I think we all get to the point of being faced with the option of holding on to things that no longer serve us or letting it all go to live a more fulfilling life. If we choose to pack light, what do we do?

Surrender

Stop running. Finding the courage to face ourselves isn’t easy. Sometimes we avoid unraveling what we’ve kept hidden for years out of fear that we will break. But, being broken doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Bringing our pain to the surface can break us open in good ways. Shedding light on the darkness, sadness and pain we’ve been carrying helps us begin the process of letting it all go. it also helps us create space for new things.

Lead with curiosity instead of judgment

When I started working on my relationship with self, I didn’t know how to speak to myself with compassion. This made the process of change hard for me. I felt so much shame for my past actions and sometimes it caused me to shut down. When I learned to approach growth with empathy, kindness and love, facing myself became easier.

Instead of asking “what’s wrong we with me?” or “what was I thinking?”, we can give ourselves the space to observe patterns in our behavior. Statements like, “I tend to shut down when I get angry”, “I feel depleted after I hang out with this person” and “I feel envious of organized people”, allow us to be curious about our behavior and emotions. When our approach to self-discovery isn’t rooted in self-judgement, we have the space to explore and develop a deeper understanding of ourselves. We may even realize that some of the things we’ve been telling ourselves about ourselves, and others, isn’t true.

Forgive yourself

Practicing self-forgiveness helps us feel lighter and live in the present. Some of us are holding on to anger and resentment towards ourselves for things we did in the past. Some of us are stuck because we have chosen to take responsibility for things we had no control over, like the way people treated us. The more we lament and ruminate over what happened, the longer we deal with the unpleasant feelings that arise when we attempt to control the uncontrollable. The past is the past and we can’t change it. The only thing we can do is move forward and learn to trust ourselves again. Forgiving ourselves isn’t easy, but with grace and self-compassion it is possible.

Practice radical self-acceptance

I had to stop telling myself that I’d love myself when I fulfilled my own expectations or I’d love myself when everyone loved me. That was never going to happen. We are all worthy of being loved for who we are in this moment. We don’t need to do anything to receive love because love is free. If we keep waiting to arrive at a certain part of growth to be at peace with who are, we prolong our ability to feel joy, to experience healing and to claim worthiness.

“Do more of what makes you happy”

As a child, I learned that my happiness was contingent on the happiness of those around me. If my parents had a good day, I’d have a good day. If my friends were in a good mood, I’d be in a good mood. If everyone had everything they needed, I’d have everything I needed. Except I never did. I felt neglected and depleted. Once I started to spend more time with myself, I realized I spent so much time trying to facilitate happiness for others that I didn’t know what made me happy. I also didn’t have a strong connection to my purpose. To start the process, I turned to childhood hobbies I loved such as writing, painting, drawing and playing the piano.

When we focus on doing more of what makes us happy, we invite joy into our lives. We give ourselves permission to live a life in a way that honors our deepest desires. Some of us have been taught that one of the main ways we practice being a king person and loving others is through selflessness. We devote so much time and energy to others and hope that people will deny themselves for us in return. It rarely happens. And, it shouldn’t be the expectation. We have to find the courage to choose ourselves and let others do the same. It’s okay to tell the people we love “no” so we can tell ourselves “yes”.

Give yourself permission to evolve

Giving ourselves permission to evolve is one of the ways we practice self-love. The things that define us today won’t define us forever. I’m not the same person I was five years ago, most of us aren’t. Change can be overwhelming and scary, especially if the things about us that are changing were once salient to our identity. Sometimes we feel pressure to stand in a decision we made or a belief about ourselves simply because we chose it. We may even feel like no longer making that choice displays failure or a lack of knowing who we are. The truth is, we are allowed to change our minds. We are allowed to re-think commitments if the commitments no longer reflect who we are and who we are becoming. We’re not lost, we ‘re honoring who we are in the current chapter of our lives. We are choosing to live in alignment and making space for what matters.